Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
