hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
