I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
