fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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