I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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