I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
