I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
