Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize