My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
you had me at cake vodka
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
