Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
