just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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