It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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