...so i touched it.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
