I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
