My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
