I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
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Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
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I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.