Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
