I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
two words...techno handjob
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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