I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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