Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
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You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
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Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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