I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
