things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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