I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
