If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
