Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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