If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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