When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
