If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
