the condom got lost in my hair
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
