If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
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We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
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Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Im part way to drunk.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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