Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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