omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
