Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
false alarm, still single
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
