You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
