I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
