Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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