Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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