piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
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Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
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You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize