I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
