So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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