there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
