Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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