the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
