You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Can I color on your dick again?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
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