Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
