I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
