my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
