best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
