so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
