i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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