so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
