sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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