The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
