I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Text me some of your sweat
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