I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
