Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I could fuck to npr.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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