Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
